Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
