What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
40s are totally the cure
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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