So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
