I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
