come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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