Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
