I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
