I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
