My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
