dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
