You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize