$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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