I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
