We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
