Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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