ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
