the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
