I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
