I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
