matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
