The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
