So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
