so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
