guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Randomize