Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
