I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
handjob tips. give me some.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
