I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
