Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
