ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
