I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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