Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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