Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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