Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
