i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
