Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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