my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
FUCK WHALES
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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