just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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