only you would photoshop your dick
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
