We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
