woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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