I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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