when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
