Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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