He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
