I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
