did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
