i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
