I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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