he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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