I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
