omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
