Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
