I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
