Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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