Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize