i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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