I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
even my farts smell like vagina
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize