I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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