She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
