I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize