We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
