And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
