I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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