I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
