I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
