you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
