how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
