my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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