youre lurking in front of me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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