Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
