at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
