she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
