Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
