I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
