I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
