you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
