Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
