i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
