he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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